8 Tips for Parenting the Special Needs Family
Posted on December 6, 2007
Filed Under Parenting, Tips | 8 Comments
These tips doesn’t strictly apply to large adoptive families. Parenting can be a challenge to any adult. More than anything I would like this post to generate some conversations regarding what works and what doesn’t for our special needs children or any children for that matter.
1. Choose Your Battles
Not every infraction is worthy of you participating in a confrontation. Remember the old adage, “don’t cry over spilled milk.” You will soon be depleted of every ounce of energy if you make every issue worthy of consequences. With these children, even just saying, “could you pick that up please” has the potential for battle. Choose wisely.
2. Be Consistent
Routine is the name of the game here. I know spontaneity is fun and breaks up the mundane but it also allows for a gap, and that gap will be filled with disorder. Along the same lines, be consistent with consequences. If smearing poop on the bathroom wall meant scrubbing the wall and a time out last week, it means a scrubbing and a time out today too.
3. Visual queues
Many of our children are behind developmentally. They can’t process what many of their peers can. Visual aids easily help our little heathens (oops I mean beautiful angels) process their thoughts. For instance, we have a part time PCA that works with our 3 youngest. She puts a big “A” (her initial) on the calendar for the days she is scheduled. So, every day the kids ask what day is it, I show them on the calendar and they know if she is coming or not. We also have school days marked for the same reason. All they really are looking for is some control over their environment. If they get the idea that they figured out what today has in store for them they feel reassured that the routine is in their control.
4. Reward Good Behavior
This is a biggy. It can also be hard to do at times. It seems many times our kids want to reward us with challenging behavior. Bless their hearts. Anyway, This does not have to be complicated in the least. Try a few different things and see what works for you. Again use visuals so the monsters can keep track and have a goal. You could try a sheet with their name and Mon. - Fri on it and put a sticker on for behaviors that are positive. Have 3 stickers per day as the goal. Then reward the 3 sticker day with something special. I have found with my youngest daughters, that the reward can be as simple as “An Extra Big Special Hug” at bedtime. With the older kids, extra computer or TV time. With my oldest bio son, and yes he can behave like a special-needs adoptee, he gets time with me all to himself. We may go fishing, research some stuff on the web, or just talk. The idea is he enjoys one on one time with me and he gets some extra for positive behavior.
5. Listen to Your Kids
Especially with a large family it becomes very easy to “tune out.” Take a breath and listen to them. All they want, is to be included. With young ones especially, you may have to use your judgment to determine… Useless constant tattling for trivial things does not warrant true listening. But Ask yourself, “why are they doing this?” Perhaps just a simple, “I’m glad your not doing that.” will ease the annoyance and you have actually listened. What I’m trying to say is listen through the layers and react as positively as possible.
With older more mature (yea right) kids, actually listen. I know it hurts. I know you don’t care who Tiffany broke-up with yesterday or if Jordan had a wet fart during Social Studies, but your kid does. So listen to them. Then ask questions and make comments. This shows them that you are really listening and care.
6. Fight Boredom
Boredom is what drive kids to make bad choices, what I refer to as major F-ups. When a kid is bored they will again see a gap. This gap will be filled with disorder. Take the time to teach the young’ns something constructive and creative. Teach them a hobby or skill. For instance my oldest daughter 16, loves Myspace and Facebook. She would spend every waking moment on them if she could. Since her internet time is limited this creates “the gap” (see Be Consistent) for her. So I started teaching her how to use Photoshop, and code html so when she is out of internet time she can still use the computer for her social stuff, just that it is not online, it’s more constructive and actually builds marketable skills.
7. Challenge The Little Beasts
And I don’t mean to a fight. Push them to achieve something that is just out of reach. My 10 year old didn’t want to be in a recent school play. He had an option, as it was done by Prairie Fire Theatre, an independent production company - he was chickening out. He has PTSD and can be very antisocial. We pushed him to the point of nagging to audition. Well, he got a nonspeaking part as a gargoyle, and he loved it. He overcame a huge fear of being the center of attention and has actually started speaking more and even talks about feelings once in awhile. He can’t wait for next year’s play so he can try out for a bigger role. When a kid, or even an adult, attempts to reach what seemed unreachable, 2 things can happen:
- They can achieve the goal. This builds confidence and self esteem and makes the next challenge all that much easier.
- They can not achieve the goal. This has taught them what didn’t work and why. They have learned. Now challenge them again.
8. Make Alone Time for Yourself and for You and Your Spouse, Partner or Significant Other
This is very important. Your sole purpose in life is not to be a parent. You are many things and one is an adult. We need quality time to ourselves and other adults - alone. Work, laundry, making meals and cleaning (even if your alone or with your partner) does not count. You have to live with yourself and chose to be with your spouse/partner forever. Make time. You need it and deserve it.
This list is by no means all-inclusive, just some things that have worked for us. We are still learning as I hope you are too. Let’s use this as a forum to discuss what we have learned and what we want to.
Another good day overall
Posted on December 5, 2007
Filed Under Uncategorized | 4 Comments
Zach, our oldest bio has a rare neurological disorder. Basically he doesn’t get rested no matter how much sleep he gets. Imagine being sleep deprived all the time. Naps don’t help because his brain doesn’t work right. Throw just being 12 on top of it. Then throw 6 special needs sibs, that require a ton of attention, in the mix. Anyway he is often very irritable, sometimes quite belligerent and he has gotten physical. His aggression is always aimed at me. He adores his brothers and sisters and just annoys them much like any 12 year old brother would.
Well this week has been stellar with him. We haven’t had one argument, and I haven’t been told “shut-up you retard.” He has been sharing his homework with us, reading reports etc… We have hung out every night since Saturday. It’s been great to have him back to his old self. Last night we worked on his blog, SwampCrawler, and he wanted to put some ads on there so I helped him out - not that he needed much, you know kids and computers. He has made strides in his therapy and seems to be on the road to being “functional”. As functional as a sleep deprived 12 yr. old is. 
This morning the girl’s psychologist said that Chirpy doesn’t need to see her any more, at least for the time being. Chirpy still has behavior issues, but Hot Foxy and I can redirect her and she responds to our parenting and she works well with her PCA. I just think of the little 2 year old girl that couldn’t speak, had night terrors every night and pooped blood from Giardia when we met her and how far she has come and how hopeful her future is.
My day is better than yours!
Posted on December 4, 2007
Filed Under Hope | Leave a Comment
After John’s phone call last night, (instead of moving up to the next level - he decided to move down to the starting level) - I felt like reading about the mostly downs in the adopt-o-blogosphere, Claudia’s Wonderful World of Teens, her husband Bart’s blog (man I wish I could write half as eloquently as him.) and Cindy’s “work” blog… ‘Cuz MY DAY IS GREAT!
God, the dreams I had only 2+ years ago… Well yesterday & today today 2 came true.
We got a phone call for Sammie last night and she starts her first job tomorrow! This kid put us through complete hell for the first year and a half. Not too long ago I thought she didn’t have the ability to overcome the past she had been dealt. I almost gave up hope. This girl has really gotten her shit together.
We are so proud of her. Sure she still messes up, probably more than the average teen, but man, she is getting a job! Oh yeah, she joined the basketball team this year too and got into Varsity her sophomore year. And this is her first year playing organized B-ball. Work will probably eat into her basketball time but she seems OK with that.
Secondly, Chirpy has a friend! She is in preschool for half days and she wanted one of her friends to come over after school. Lo and behold I picked her and her buddy up, he came over and they actually played together, for 2 hours solid.
Just asking for him to come over seemed monumental. Then to play for 2 hours… Awesome. Neither of her next two oldest sibs have asked for friends over, let alone play with kids we’ve had over. Mo usually makes them cry and Tasha would rather orbit around Hot Foxy Mama and/or me, leaving the other child bored or playing with the older boys.
This is the girl that, when we met her at 2 yrs old, still babbled like an infant. The chubby little girl that looked like Baby Fat Albert with her fade. 
The girl that got along with no one. SHE HAS FORMED A NEW ATTACHMENT. And, you know what, she didn’t seem so far behind her friend either, maybe only a little, maybe.
She thinks I’m so weird for giving her a hug and telling her “I’m so proud of you for making a friend. Hell, for her it’s just being a kid. The coolest thing about today was when Chirpy’s friend said, “Chirpy is my favorite best girl.”
Sure I have a kid in jail, 6 of the 7 are in therapy, one is completely insane, one has an incurable neurological disorder, 3 are teens, and we’re dirt-poor - But today is a GREAT DAY!
-Peace
I entered a contest-VOTE for ME!
Posted on December 3, 2007
Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
This is to win $200 to start a new professional blog. So far I’m in the running. My idea is #6, Heartland Market and you can read and vote for it at the blog-incubator-project.
I will have some more topic related posts this week - promise.
Eric
Visiting my incarcerated child
Posted on November 27, 2007
Filed Under Parenting | 2 Comments
I wanted so much to feel like John was making progress with his stay in juvenile. I visited him on Sunday and realized, he is way too comfortable to risk getting out. He is taken care of and has virtually no responsibilities. He can’t “mess up” - Just how he likes it. It is sad to see your child thriving in that environment.
He has the option to move to the next level and then be placed in a non-secure transitional & independent living skills program. All he has to do is try. He told me that he doesn’t want to go to non-secure. He didn’t even say he wanted out of there at all. In fact he said “it’s alright here, the staff is nice”.
The unfortunate truth is that there are a great number of young men that feel secure in that setting. I can’t imagine feeling that helpless or worthless. John has been given every opportunity to make something of himself and, even after 2 years of involvement in the justice system and being sentenced to juvey, he still chooses to be nothing.
It’s sad. I can’t help change a kid that doesn’t want to change. God knows we’ve tried.
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